WHEEL OF FORTUNE!
I've thought a ton of other things, including or especially my analysis and explanation of what's going on, how I'm feeling and reacting to the stimulant. What is changing? I was trying to explain the sensation. Wheel of fortune. The second concept I've been trying to explain is why I wanted to experience this with Jorge and not with others - friends, Christians, anarchists, anyone else. Why?
Leads to "anarchism" leads to righteousness
the existential "nirvana"
The only two people in my life who [seem to] understand this (though I suspect that Jon might also be in this camp) are Jorge and Amy. Amy isn't safe, though [and Jon lives in Cali]. And others who are both conscious and disciples (Of course! These cannot be mutually exclusive! They necessarily go together, like Bonhoeffer's "faith" and "obedience")...well, I can't think of any others right now.
Even if I did, they wouldn't have the kind of history [Jorge and I] have - discipleship together, lots of turmoil, overcoming said turmoil, etc - PLUS. The fact that we've been bouncing off each other, spiritually and existentially, for over four years now. There's a lot there. Hopefully this will make sense in the morning.
It was fun and I liked it. I didn't feel stupid, I felt smarter. Like I could vocalize ideas and concepts that I would never bother to explain or even attempt to explain if I were completely sober. Like being trapped in a bubble of reality that I couldn't break out of. And the bubble - the thing, the existence all around me - was just nothing or rather nothingness. Like the matrix, or outer space, or - my favorite - the "blowing out of a candle" (aka nirvana). I've dreamed about this, I know I have. Many times. Because it's vivid. But it's never really been in my consciousness, it's never been something that I thought about or remembered in full consciousness. So here I am. Remembering and trying to articulate. Anyway, I felt the sensation during a short uncontrollable giggle attack. I wanted to control myself - my words, my laughter - but I couldn't. Then it was like I blacked out and couldn't see anything for a very brief moment. But then I saw myself, my body, in this vast sea of nothing. I had been here before in my dreams. I tried breaking out of it, as if there was somewhere else I could go. But there wasn't. There's nothingness. That's the dream. That's what I saw during that giggle attack. I'm surprised I didn't just fall over or lose consciousness completely, like fall asleep while standing. Somehow I made it out of the room, probably too conspicuously high, and started to explain all this - the dream, that is - to Jorge and "Val". But it was extremely difficult due to the whole Wheel of Fortune thing.
So here we are. I'm in the house; Sophia knows, but she's the only one. And I feel awkward concealing it, since I'm really self-conscious about it and fear they might be suspicious. So I try to act, speak differently but get self-conscious again in the process. It's a vicious cycle. So I want to confess to them. There shouldn't be anything to fear, I don't think, and I know that the Holy Spirit has led me to this place, though I still may be trying to figure out why?! I do know that it's part of my VVOT tour.
Anyway, all that to say: enjoy me tonight.
I'm probably going to say and do silly things. Enjoy it!
Enjoy me! And trust that this is the place - existentially, spiritually, physically - that God wanted me to be tonight. For His/Her Kingdom. For me. And perhaps most importantly for you guys. I hope that like me, you too will learn much from this experience and this night together. I love you guys and girls and I'm very glad that God would have me share this night with youz guyz in particular.
Love and shalom,
PS - This has nothing to do with the fact that I just got locks two days ago. That is a separate thing and the two are not correlated in any way, other than that they coincided chronologically at this time of my life. I'm not a rasta.
PPS - I'm also not a pot head, nor will I ever be. I just wanted to go into this experience with a positive attitude (unlike my first time) and I am confident that I was spiritually prepared for it. Rest assured that I prayed and thought much about this beforehand and that I would not have done it if I did not feel the spirit leading. Word.
THE BEAN DIP WAS ACTUALLY CHEESE DIP!
I could have sworn it was bean dip and I was eating bean dip the whole time. I even scooped up big chunks of dip - but it wasn't bean dip! It was the most delicious bean dip, though. Lol.